Here Comes the Drama with Christa Innis

Baby Bumps, Brawls & Breaking the System with Payal Desai

• Christa Innis • Season 1 • Episode 17

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She wore the same color as the bride—intentionally. Payal Desai joins Christa for a no-holds-barred conversation on gender expectations, cultural clashes, and the wild moments that weddings bring out in people.

From viral videos on dismantling patriarchal parenting to surviving chaotic family traditions, Payal shares what it’s like to raise sons in a world obsessed with “mama’s boys.” She even dishes on the unexpected wedding sabotage she experienced firsthand.

This episode dives deep into family roles, wedding faux pas, and why boundaries are the real bridal registry essential. Get ready to rethink what’s “normal” at the altar and beyond.

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Must-Hear Insights and Key Moments

  • Dusty Son Series Origins – Payal unpacks the viral moment that sparked her mission to dismantle toxic gender expectations.
  • The Color Clash – Someone close to Payal showed up to her wedding wearing her exact dress color—after being told not to.
  • Wedding Traditions That Go Off the Rails – Learn how fun customs can turn violent when underlying family tensions boil over.
  • Cake Smash or Red Flag? – Why some “playful” wedding moments are actually warning signs.
  • Mother of the Groom Drama – A deep dive into the overbearing “boy mom” trope and why it needs to stop.
  • Navigating Internalized Misogyny – Payal shares how her early marriage exposed unexpected insecurities—and how she overcame them.

About Payal

Payal Desai, known online as @Payalforstyle on Instagram and TikTok, is the creator of the viral “Dusty Son” series—a hilarious and honest look at breaking down traditional gender roles, starting at home with her own sons. Her content has racked up millions of likes and caught the attention of major media outlets and talk shows for its bold take on everyday dynamics within families.

A sharp-witted cultural commentator, Payal uses humor to spotlight the invisible labor women carry and to challenge outdated expectations with unfiltered honesty. There’s no dramatic backstory—just a mom calling it like she sees it and making a lot of people laugh (and think) along the way.

Follow Payal Desai

Join the Drama with Christa Innis:

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Your stories make Here Comes the Drama what it is! Share your unforgettable wedding tales, hilarious mishaps, or unbelievable moments with us. Whether it’s a wild confession or a story worth a skit, we can’t wait to hear it.

Submit your story today: Story Submission Form

Follow us on social media for updates and sneak peeks at upcoming episodes. Your stories inspire the drama, the laughs, and the lessons we love to share!

A Team Dklutr Production

Note: We use AI transcription so there may be some inaccuracies

Christa Innis: Hello. Thank you so much for joining me today. 

Payal Desai: Thank you for having me. I'm super excited for our conversation. 

Christa Innis: I am so excited. I've been following your content for a long time now, and I think, and we'll get into it, but I feel like there's so much, like so much important messaging that you have mm-hmm.

In your content, and that is one of the reasons why I thought it was so important to have you on. But before we get to all that, can you just introduce yourself, who you are, what you do, and we'll kind of get into it. 

Payal Desai: So I'm pile my handle on socials is pile for style and I am a teacher. I taught for 16 years, teacher turned content creator.

This is my first year out of the classroom doing my content full-time on TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube. And I really focus on, dispelling breaking traditional gender roles and norms. And challenging, ideals of the patriarchy. I have two boys and so I don't believe that those things in society benefit them.

And so we do things very differently in our home, but we're trying to normalize it. 

Christa Innis: Yes, I love that. And that is why I thought you were so perfect for this because a lot of these, like crazy wedding drama stories I see have to do with Mothers of the Groom and not to point. Mm-hmm. Because I know people get really offended by that, but I think it's really important.

The message that you share about teaching your sons and how they can treat, you know, like empowering them in different ways of like. Not just mama's little boy. Mm-hmm. Do no wrong. Boys will be boys. So I think you have such important messages that people need to see. 

Payal Desai: Yeah, absolutely. And my, my question to that would be like if you are, 'cause a lot of people are very offended by my content.

If you're offended, ask yourself why. Like, why. what offends you? Why does it upset you to bring up these topics of like, mothers who are overbearing or say things like, my son will be my slowest heartbreak. Like, what? Why are we need to talk about that? That's not healthy. And yeah, so. We need to ask ourselves those questions too.

Christa Innis: I know. I was just saying to someone like I do a mix of like when I share like different wedding stories, I do a mix. Like one might be like a bridesmaid drama, one might be a mother of the groom, one might be a stepmother, and when I post mother of the groom, I get messages sent to me that are like, how dare you just target mothers of the groom?

You know, there's drama with other people too. Or this is exhausted, they'll like comment that's not like, why are you. Offended though, because if I see Yeah, a video about like a Bridezilla, I'm not gonna be like, oh my gosh, why would you talk about this? Because I'm like, I didn't act that way, so I don't mm-hmm.

I don't feel offended. But I think it's such an important topic of this like, boy, mom. Of, oh, the bride's not good enough or, yes. putting them down, or like, my son's a prince, he can do no wrong. 

Payal Desai: Mm-hmm. 

Christa Innis: but the daughter, you know, it's, it's her fault. 

Payal Desai: Yeah, absolutely. Like I have the series that went viral for me was the Dusty Sun Series and the original video that I had.

Scene was a mom teaching her son how to cook so that your dusty daughter's Stouffer's lasagna won't impress him. And so I saw that and I was like, what are we doing? Like already you have this hypothetical daughter-in-law that you are demeaning and putting down, you don't even like your child is. Five years old and you're teaching him how to cook so that some girl in the future who's dusty, who isn't capable of taking care of him.

What? So I saw that and I was like, we've gotta flip this narrative like that. We need to empower our boys. To take care of themselves. Yes. But we also need to empower them to respect their partners. And so I just wanted to flip that whole narrative and now the series is like over two years strong because there's a lot of ground to cover.

Christa Innis: Yes. Yeah. It's like there's so much learning from it, but I feel like there's still, it's like, there's like I dunno, hard. Shell to crack, I should say. There's still some people that are like, won't see that way. of like how it can be very toxic to, raise their sons to think like, you can do no wrong.

Mm-hmm. It's up to your standards. of course we should have standards, but like, that's not just a man thing. Like we should all have standards for our right course. but I think it gets very, very construed. Absolutely. I agree. So let's jump right into some different crazy stories and some wedding hot takes.

So starting off the bat, do you have any kind of crazy wedding stories, either things that you've seen or witnessed or 

Payal Desai: had at your own wedding? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, in Indian traditional weddings, one of the traditions is that the bride side will, steal the groom's shoes as they are entering the ceremony.

And the way that the groom then retrieves his shoes is by paying like the bridesmaids, the cousins, the sisters, the family. He is like kind of earning his way back into the family and. This is supposed to be a very playful, fun tradition. Usually like everyone knows it's gonna happen. So like you steal the shoes and then you get kind of chased around and then the groom finally eventually like hands off the money, gets his shoes back.

But when there are underlying tensions, this can get. violent. And I have literally been to a wedding where there were underlying tensions. I don't think that everyone in the room wanted the marriage to happen. And when it came to that point, like it was a brawl. It was a brawl like it was. Fists being thrown, people on the floor.

 yeah, it was awful. And it just, was not the joyous moment that you would think it would be. so clearly it revealed that there was a lot of tension in play. 

Christa Innis: That's what like a lot of those traditional things, like I was just talking to some of like how the bouquet toss can sometimes get that way too.

Mm-hmm. Where I feel like it's either built up Yes. Or like these, like women have rivals with each other. or men at the wedding or like, oh, during the, garter toss. Like, I'm gonna put Yeah. Guy outta the way and they get violent. 'cause it's like, that's.

I don't know. It's like their time. They're like, oh, it's okay though. this is tradition. It's allowed. 

Payal Desai: Yeah. Or even like one that I've seen lately, like pop up on socials is like a little different, but it's when the bride and groom are feeding each other cake and when the groom like takes icing and smashes it or like puts it all over her face or, it's just like red flag, but like too late because the ceremony's over and so.

I feel so bad for those women because I just think it's like a precursor. Like that's not funny. Yeah, that's not funny. 

Christa Innis: That is, that's looking to embarrass you. Yeah, and they're like almost inserting their dominance now being like, ha ha. Because I saw one too where it was like they had literally talked about it for the wedding, so she must have already had some kind of gut feeling or a red flag of being like, he might do this.

Hey, I don't want you to do this. I'm not comfortable, or whatever. And he still did it. And then you can see the resistance, like you can see them like fighting. Yeah. And you're like, what hap okay, if this happens in front of all these people, what's happening behind closed doors? 

Payal Desai: Exactly. If he's gonna publicly humiliate you on your most important day, one of the days, you deemed to be your most important.

Right. Man, I can't even, so, yeah. 

Christa Innis: there's like speeches by grooms that I've seen it's like they didn't wanna get married, so they're gonna make a speech about like, oh, she's so lucky to have me.

Like, I just saw ve where the guy, all he did was talk about him being there with his boys and never once said, my wife looks beautiful. He literally looked at her and goes, you look all right. Yeah. It's not funny. Oh, that's his humor. Like, I don't think so. Like that's not the time. Mm-hmm. Like, tell your wife she looks beautiful on her wedding day.

Like, I don't know. 

Payal Desai: Yeah. I mean, I think that if you are. Worried or concerned about the way that your partner is going to behave on the day of the wedding, and that's like a foremost concern for you. That in itself is a red flag. Yes. You need to think about why you are so concerned about even if alcoholism in play or whatever like.

why is this an issue? Like it shouldn't be. 

Christa Innis: Yes. No, absolutely. If you are concerned that something's gonna happen or 

Payal Desai: Yeah, 

Christa Innis: like maybe let's ask ourselves what's going on here? Becausefeel like so many times in these stories that I see, it's like they're just so excited to get married, which I get, it's a very mm-hmm.

Thing, but. Let's like not sacrifice like our own happiness just to get married and just to jump to that finish line or that next step. Because I feel like you see all these wedding videos and you're like, oh no, they just did this to like, and now they're gonna embarrass them and during their vows or something.

 Yeah. Yeah. did you have another story that you wanted to share? Like, or anything else that you've seen at weddings? 

Payal Desai: Yeah, so one thing that personally happened to me, Indian traditional weddings, the bride wears red, and I chose to wear like this fuchsia pink color specifically because that's the color that my mom wore as well at her wedding.

So I was like, oh, I'm gonna like break the mold a little bit. But it's still like a very bright, vibrant, like. Magenta, pinkish kind of color. And so that was the color of my Ari and I was super excited to wear it. I had told a bunch of people that, you know, like my friends bridesmaids, like all of that.

Like I had told everyone that this is the color that I was wearing. So I, it's not like it was a secret. I had shared it. Somebody in pretty close proximity to the, wedding party. I'm not going to say who showed up when we were doing family photos and had that, like when I say to the t exact shade on, I'm not exaggerating even a little bit.

Oh. And it was somebody who I had shared that I was wearing, like I had sent a photo of my outfit to, and I was just like, in that mo I was shocked, like. Twins. What? I don't wanna be like, I trust studio. I don't wanna be twins with anyone on my wedding day. And I was very, very upset about it. but you know, this is pre ceremony, so we're, this is the morning of what am I supposed to do?

I also wasn't going to like tell them to change, but I just was seething inside and one of my best friends was like. This isn't on you. Like everyone's gonna look at this and be like, what were they thinking? Yeah. Not, this isn't a reflection of you. You've gotta remember that. And I was like, I'm still mad.

so then the day went on and I had, there were so many other things that I had to obviously prioritize and focus on. And I'm very much like, I wanna see the best in the situation. I don't wanna react. So I didn't. Okay. I didn't, you know, I never really even confronted the person either.

 but now it's been like 13 years. So it's not that I'm over it, but I just like, I don't think about it anymore. Like I, whatever. it's just also something like, I wouldn't do that, So, yeah. 

Christa Innis: especially the fact that you shared it with this person and you were like very open about like, Hey, this is the color I'm wearing because my mom wore it.

And for them to come in, I feel like I'd be very similar to you or like, I wouldn't wanna cause a stir that day, even though you're not the one causing it. But like Yeah, it's like you don't wanna say anything 'cause you're like, that could just make the day kind of Yes. Surrounded around that.

Payal Desai: My reaction would have, and I think that this is something that happens often, like when you're upset about something and it's the day of, like your reaction is a reflection, you know that it's something that has to be said, then fine react. But like, there was nothing to do about this.

 what was I gonna say? Yeah. It felt like. there was no point in making it an issue, but yeah. 

Christa Innis: Yeah, I know those things are so hard because like even when I do like skits of stories that people send me, they're like, I hate that the bride didn't say anything. And it's like, I get it.

You want to say something, but at the same time, it's like if you chose that moment to like, 

 Make a scene about it. I feel like then there's just awkward tension I feel like, yeah, maybe you can confront it later, but it's like, at that point, the day's over. I don't know.

Payal Desai: Yeah. I mean, I'm about protecting my peace, like I'm about protecting my energy and my peace. I've always been that way, so I was like, ain't nothing gonna ruin my day. Like,I'm gonna keep vibing. I also think that  helps me to. Also own the moment. this is my moment. Like no one's taking it from me no matter what you're wearing.

Christa Innis: Yes. Yeah, absolutely. I totally get that. yeah, no, that's crazy. I've heard of similar things happening. I've never mm-hmm. A wedding where, that happens. But like, even with, someone told me a story where the mother of the bride came wearing like a wedding gown and no one knew. And 

It was like this white wedding gown that literally ma like, oh my God. It was like fancier than the bride. but it was like one of those things too where like, I don't think she said anything, but it was more like everyone just knew like this mom was being outrageous. Like what 

Payal Desai: is going on? There's like, on one hand it's of course you take pride in what you wear and you wanna show up to your child's wedding looking bomb.

Like in the future, I'm a fashion girly, like I'm gonna Yeah. Care a lot what I wear to, either of my son's big events. Right. But It's another idea to like try to show others up or try to show anybody up. And I see that too. Like whenever you have a mom of the groom, I follow this one woman and she had done like a series of videos where she was trying to choose a dress for her son's wedding and the hate in the comments because like some of the dresses were like way more fashion forward or modern or like, she just looked good in them.

People were tearing her apart. And I feel like two ways about that because I don't know what her intentions are. I don't think she's like, I can't assume she's trying to show up her daughter-in-law. Right. 

Christa Innis: But I don't know. I know people always like to assume the worst online, but that's the thing.

It's like, yeah, if it was the complete opposite, people would have something to say too. That's like how people are online. It's great. You can never appease people online. Oh yeah. They're just gonna like critique. Anything at a point where I'm like really trying to learn to like, have boundaries with reading comments and like mm-hmm.

Say things. 'cause I take everything to heart and my husband's like, you let it affect you so much. And like, so someone says something to me and it'll like weigh down on me. So I'm like, I'm really learning Yeah. Boundaries with that stuff. Because like, people online, like the bullies, they don't matter.

They're sitting behind a keyboard trying to just Yes. Sit down. Well, 

Payal Desai: honestly, a lot of trolls are literally teenagers. I'm not lying to you, like online. A lot of trolls are like high school boys. and I know that because I, taught middle and high school. I know that. And so whenever, sometimes I'm like going like at dad with like a troll online, I'm like.

Is this person 15 years old and up too, too late past their bedtime? And then he kind of gives me a little perspective and I'm like. A backup. you really don't know who's behind the screen you gotta let it go. 

Christa Innis: Do you think being a teacher, really like humbled you and gave you like a harder exterior at all to things?

I remember. Oh yeah. Yeah. I was gonna say, one of my friends is a teacher and high school and she was like, sometimes they'll say things where they don't like mean to be mean, but then I'm later like, oh, like, they'll be like, oh, I've never seen a style be pulled off that way. Or they'll say something like, oh yeah, that's almost like.

Wait, was that an insult? 

Payal Desai: Oh my God, yes. I mean, a hundred percent spot on. Two things prepared me to like be publicly on the internet with a large audience. Okay. I'm the youngest of three. I have two older sisters. Okay. So that, did me in and then I taught middle and high school. Yes. Like I would get my hair cut and go to school and they kids would be like, why'd you get your hair cut?

Okay. That's not the reaction I was looking for. You're like, thank you. Why are you wearing that? What, and it was just like, it really does like dishearten you, like, you're like, okay. And it, we would just, I'd laugh it off like, what am I gonna take offense? So I find that tough exterior really helps me.

Yeah. Online. 

Christa Innis: I love the thought of, I should just start picturing mm-hmm. Comments as like 13-year-old kids and I'll just feel like bad I'm taking, telling you you that yes, that is 

Payal Desai: like, that's a huge population that's on the internet, so it could very likely be 18 age. 

Christa Innis: Yeah. Kid. Oh my gosh, I feel like it's either that or it's like older, like my parents' age sometimes that leave me comments, I've had a few like apologize, and they're like, I was having a bad day.

I'm like, it's all good. You know what? Oh, I 

Payal Desai: love that. That's always really great when like all of a sudden you're friendly with your troll, you know? Yeah. Like I've had those moments too, where we like. I go back and forth and it's like ugly and I don't know why I'm even participating in this. And then one person will be like, listen, you sound like you're hurting and something might be going on with you.

And they're like, yeah, I am hurting. And I'm like, oh my God, what a beautiful connection with a draw. Right? Do you see the friend we need to connect. And that's gotta be the middle school experience too, because a kid could be awful. And then like obviously the next day. I'm not holding the grudge. It's a kid.

So you know, you like resolve and repair and move on. Yes, 

Christa Innis: Oh my gosh. A lesson for everybody listening. Picture them as just like a kid, just like learn 

Payal Desai: growing and that's some top tier content creator advice right there. If you are trying to be online, then like Yeah. If you got a picture of the troll as a kid.

Christa Innis: Yes. Oh my gosh. I love that. Okay, let's go into some wedding hot takes, and then we're gonna get into this week's story, which I've not read yet, I think it's a doozy. It's gonna be a good one. Okay. Okay, so, writing, drama, debates. here are some unpopular opinions that people have sent us.

And let's see. this first one says, brides should always pay for hair and makeup if they're offering it for their bridal party.

Payal Desai: if it's a choice, do they have a choice in it or. It's like the bride wants them to all be uniform. I 

Christa Innis: think if the bride wants them to get hair and makeup, they're saying that the bride should pay for 

Payal Desai: it. I think so, because I've been in weddings where it's like, I want everyone's hair to look like this.

I want everyone's makeup to look like this, and if you're gonna dictate what you want me to look like, then should probably flip the bill. 

Christa Innis: Yeah. No, I agree with that. I've never been in a wedding where. you had to get your hair and makeup done. It was always an option. So I've always just, 

Payal Desai: mm-hmm.

Christa Innis: There's been somewhere I've just done my own, or I'll just pay for it. But my own wedding, I told them, I was like, I'm getting a makeup artist that'll be there and a hair girl. If you guys want it, let me know. If not, yeah. Feel free. that's exactly what I did too. Yeah. I did the same. Because then it's like they don't have pressure and I feel like too, like, I mean, a lot of people knew the makeup artist at my wedding, a lot.

She kind of like went through our friend group, but like, you go to some weddings and the makeup, like,you don't feel like yourself or you know. Mm-hmm. And especially as a bridesmaid, you don't have like a trial. I get it. If you're better at doing makeup, just do that.

Payal Desai: Yeah, I agree with that. 

Christa Innis: Okay, this next one, thank you. Cards are unnecessary. 

Payal Desai: Okay, so for my wedding, thank you cards for after, right. I split it down and I was like, you do your side. I'm gonna do mine. Oh, smart. I'm not right. Okay. Indian weddings are huge. I had 500 people at my wedding. Oh my gosh. You would have like that hand cramp.

Yeah, like carpal tunnel. Carpal tunnel. There we go. Writing cards. And again, like I'm the youngest of three. My older sister, she and her wedding cards printed personalized photos from her. So she got her photographer to make sure that they got photos of like everybody at the wedding. And then she found photos of like different people who attended with them.

The couple. Printed them and put them in the thank you cards. I was like, no. Okay. Nope. Not doing that. Like, that's like really cute and thoughtful. Not for me. and then I took in a step further. I was like, well, I got my side. You can take care of yours because I'm not right. everyth, everything for me has always been like split down the middle and I'm for love that it, it works for us, right?

Like. There was a point where I thought that I needed to, as the woman of the house, needed to do all the laundry. ' cause that's what I saw growing up, right? Like my dad didn't pick up any of his laundry. My mom did everything. And so I was like, when it comes to laundry, I've gotta do it all. It took me two months of being married to be like.

I'm getting my own bin. You do yours. I do mine. From that day on, like, and now the boys like, well, my 9-year-old does his own and my four year old's learning. That's amazing. Okay, let's go. And my husband grew up learning how to do his own laundry too. So he was like, yeah, I'll do my own. So I was like, okay.

But yeah, it's all these like traditional things, right? So anyway, I did send mine out, TBD if he ever sent his out 13 years ago. you know what? At that point, like not, I'm sorry. If you think that's a reflection of me. No, I It's not. 

Christa Innis: It's not. Yes. I love that you've said that because so many people put it on the woman and then it's your responsibility to then double check with him, oh, did they get sent out?

Or this? It's like, no, That's what we decided. And that was it. Because this is like a mini story, but one of my friends, and hopefully it's okay with me sharing this, I mean, I'm not gonna say who it is, but she said when she, like first married her husband, one of his aunts said to her, oh, and she had something like, very traumatic happened after the wedding.

Again, I don't wanna say details, but it was like a very, a family thing that happened. So she was dealing with a lot like two weeks after the wedding. This aunt of her husband came up to her and said like, I didn't get a thank you note from you yet, and she was like. I've been kind of going through a lot and the aunt was just like, well, it's your duty to get that out to me.

And meanwhile she's like, why don't you ask your nephew? Like, why are you me? And it's just this, pressure on the woman to be like, mm-hmm. You have to get that out. no mind. only two weeks after the wedding or a couple weeks after the wedding, something bad happened. You know, it's just like, why are we putting this pressure.

Payal Desai: I don't buy into that stuff at all. Again, that's called kin keeping, right?and kin keeping is oftentimes the burden is placed on the woman to keep the family together. You're here. So now you need to work on all the correspondences that occur to ensure that thank you cards are sent out, or invitations or birthday cards and I feel like if you normalize all of that right in the beginning of your marriage, like.

That's gonna now be your task for the rest of time. And if you're good at it, listen, there are, I think my sister who put the photos, personalized photos, I think she took joy in it. Yes. Do it. Yeah. I don't take joy. I'm not doing it. You know, I,think that's fine. Like even if it's a traditional role, but you really enjoy it and love it.

Then for sure go ahead and do it. I'm not try like digging my heels in just because I wanna, challenge the system. It's just what didn't work for us versus what works for other people. 

Christa Innis: Yeah, absolutely. And that all being said though, too, I am a huge proponent of Thank you cards myself, 

I see different things all the time. It's like if you thank someone in person, like for kids' birthday parties, I get like, 

Payal Desai: mm-hmm. 

Christa Innis: Moms are busy. we can't always get thank you notes out. I get that. So if you thank someone in person for a gift or they open it, sure. Like get it for a wedding, I think for us, like.

We just like had an Excel file and like, this is how like type A I am. And I was like, I'll just write 10 a week. And then like my husband would label and he would like, seal and like stamp 'em or something and we were just like, let's just get 'em out. 'cause but that's really 

Payal Desai: good. That's teamwork.

I love that. 

Christa Innis: Yeah. Well, and it's funny how you were talking about the laundry thing with your husband. Like with us it was like, I also like automatically put the stuff on my plate and my husband would be like. I'm here. I can sit here with you and do it. And I was like, what?

Mm-hmm. Why would you do that with me? And he's like, because I'm your husband. I'm here. And I'm like, oh, okay. it's stuff like, I don't share on my personal page and stuff, but I feel like people have a feel day knowing that he probably does the laundry more than I do. He probably thinks more than I do.

Payal Desai: Like we split most stuff, but like, We found what works for us and Exactly. And if that's what works for you, then that's great like then that's really all that matters. I've been thinking so much, like, not to go way too deep, but like I've been thinking about how like everyone really has internalized misogyny within us, especially like the way that I grew up and what I saw as like, in front of me modeled.

Everyone has internalized misogyny. And one way that it showed up in my marriage is that my husband loves to cook and he always has. And so when we got married, that was sort of the role that he just naturally took.  so we would meal plan together and everything, but then he would really execute the dish.

And I did not want like anyone to know about this. I did not want his parents to know, like I didn't wanna make it a topic. I didn't wanna tell my mom because every time it came up socially, like it made me feel like I. It made me look bad. Mm-hmm. Like I wasn't fulfilling my duty. And there was even one time we hosted his family over and I made him tell them that I come to the lasagna and he was like, okay.

Christa Innis: Like I'll tell them that's okay. Like I'll tell them that you made it. And like, I had not, I had assisted, I had sous chef. I was not doing it. And like, it still counts, but like, yeah. I was so worried about how people view traditional roles oh my gosh, I feel so 

Payal Desai: seen right now. 

Christa Innis: I, 

Payal Desai: I still, yeah.

It's taken me a really long time to just now proudly be like, yeah, and it comes from women a lot of times, like women will make snide remarks and be like, well, he's the one that cooks. Yes. Okay. if I bring a dish to a potluck with friends, they'll be like, well, what did he make? This is my husband.

What did he make? He made a buffalo chicken dip and it's really good. Yes. So like, the way, the tone in which it's shared or like just giving him credit, I'm like, What are we doing? Like, there's internalized misogyny in us. 

Christa Innis: Yeah. I think it's too, couples that maybe haven't, openly have that conversation of like, you know, maybe the woman does everything.

Mm-hmm. They almost feel like. I don't know the right word to say, but like, when they hear like someone's husband does do some cooking, they're like, oh, well my husband can do that. And so it's like an instant, like they're angry that it's not working out for them. 'I'm not gonna say who, but there was someone close to me that like, when they found out my husband like cooked dinner for us one night, to their husband.

They were like, oh, well you never cook for me. Mm-hmm. And it was just this like awkward moment. 'cause I was like. Uh, uh. Okay. Like, I don't know. Yeah. that's the same, like, my husband really enjoys cooking. And cooking for me has always been like second nature. Like I do okay if I like focus, I don't find complete joy in it.

Payal Desai: I don't find joy. I've never really found joy in it. And I think that when you are in a partnership like we've been talking about, like when one person has a strength and they take it on, it's not as though he's in the kitchen doing everything on his, I'm like, behind, I'm cleaning.

I'm sure you do dishes. I'm sure you're like part of it because you both have to be part of it. Yeah. So I think that when people know he cooks, they just picture me laying on the couch. We have two children. Somebody's giving them baths, like somebody's doing something. There's always something. My hands are never just idle, 

but whenever we know that a man is taking on a very traditional role, we automatically are not. We Society is, wants to criticize that. I don't understand it. I really don't get it 

Christa Innis: 100%. I feel like there's so much more discourse about that now and the older generations that almost didn't really have a choice where it was just like the man goes to work, he comes home, dinner should be ready on the table, maybe even like older.

'cause I. I don't know. I think my parents' generation was kind of starting to like equal a little bit, but it's like grandparents' generation for sure. It was like dinner on the table when you get home. Mom takes care of the kids so now that they're seeing this conversation, people that I feel like.

It worked for them, and they're like, why can't the wife just be cooking? Why can't this happen? It's like, mm-hmm. 

Payal Desai: You gotta, you gotta question who was it really working for?  who remained extremely comfortable in the way that it was. if we wanna sit here and assume or make the, statements about how happy our grandmas were mm-hmm.

Cross culture, they were not. Right.  were oftentimes burdened without a choice. Yes. There's not a lot of happiness in that. Okay. So you gotta just like, be able to critically talk about these things and not just be like, why can't it just be like traditional? 

Christa Innis: Yeah. Oh well. Well, a hundred percent.

 yeah, I don't share a lot of my personal. Life on out here. But like, I've had two different, molds when it came to my grandparents. And like my grandmother I'm really close to, I don't even know when it was, I was a kid when she got divorced, but she's always taught like such independence, like she's done everything for herself.

And I feel like I learned a lot from her. Yeah. She was like, women can do everything. Like she was an ER nurse and she's like, mm-hmm. I knew more than the doctors. Doctors would try to come in and they would try to, these men would try to tell me what I knew, and she's like, I knew more than them.

Yeah. And I was like, yeah, you go girl. And she was like, brought a lot of that, out of me, because I'm like, yes, not she's not traditional in that way. So I was like. Yes, we need that. That's amazing. 

Payal Desai: And rare, right? Like I'm sure for her generation that was a little rare and maybe even getting divorced was not accepted by society.

'cause it, wasn't as common for her generation, the next generation. Yes. It became like more common because, Women were no longer tolerating and like joining the work for like full-time. You have two parents who are working full-time and if the domestic labor is not, if there is an equity in that, then it's going to cause conflict as it should.

Christa Innis: Yes. definitely. Oh my gosh, I feel like we could talk about this forever. I love it. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm so like, passionate about it just because I feel like it makes such a difference in the way like. I'm able to parent because my husband's an equal part. Mm-hmm.  I feel like so many women can't speak up about that or they're just, we're kind of pushed into the role of 

Payal Desai: mm-hmm.

Christa Innis: And this is not, I feel like stay-at-home moms are amazing and I think that is your passion and goal and like, do it. Yes. But so many are pushed into that role without asking if that's what they want or if they want. More. And I know I can get on a whole topic 

Payal Desai: from that. I really could too, because I think that a stay at home mom, we need to start looking at that a literal job with duties.

And you would never be working somebody around the clock, right? Like you would never give them 24 7 tasks like they, they're working overtime constantly. Other jobs do have boundaries. Usually, or you can put in place healthy boundaries. And I'm just reflecting on like my job as a teacher, which oftentimes can have no boundaries, but I had to really work to do that.

So you've gotta be with somebody who also understands what you're doing is a service. It's a job and you may not be getting a paycheck for it, but you're saving your family money. Right. Yeah. So there is, like a financial aspect of being a stay at home mom and we need to be talking about that a lot more than we do.

Christa Innis: Yeah. We need to be valuing it as that. Yeah. The full job that you were, just talking about because, I used to work for like a mommy brand and I worked in a mom group and so many of these women were just kind of like. Almost put in a spot where it's like their husband controlled every single thing.

And so it's like they wanted that stay at home job, mom role, but then they weren't able to like have a certain amount of money and it's like, mm-hmm. No, we like value because. By her doing this, you're allowed more time at work or you're allowed more time to do this. and so yeah, that's one of the many issues in our society right now.

Payal Desai: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. That's 

Christa Innis: a whole other topic. Okay. Let's get into this week's wedding story submission. 

Payal Desai: Yeah. 

Christa Innis: this might be a long one, but, so I'm just gonna start reading it and we'll stop and we can react or feel free to stop me at any point. Here we go. Okay. My sister and I were always super close to our cousin and his sister.

When he got engaged to his first wife, they invited my sister, his sister, and me to be a part of their wedding. We happily accepted during the planning. They asked my boyfriend at the time to be a DJ for the wedding, and he accepted. We were getting everything set up for him. We had to travel out of state for this while also getting our dresses.

During the time his sister announced her pregnancy, his fiancé did not like that, and then kicked her out of the wedding. Wait, what? So their cousin, The girl cousin? 

Payal Desai: Yeah. 

Announced Her pregnancy. And the fiancé kicked her out of the wedding for that. 

Oh, wow. That's awful. 

Christa Innis: What, so I can't imagine being like, we're engaged this year, so all next year, till next year, you can't announce anything important in your life.

Payal Desai: Yeah. don't take my thunder pretty much. 

Christa Innis: That's crazy. Can't imagine that. Okay. We traveled for the wedding and arrived a few days early so we could attend the rehearsal. During the rehearsal dinner, they handed out gifts to the bridal party. Only our cousin and our family spoke to us, the bride-to-be barely said anything to my sister or me at the rehearsal or the following day.

 Okay, interesting. Fast forward to the wedding and reception. The ceremony went well, but the reception was a complete disaster. Her parents went through the wedding gifts and cards to pay my boyfriend for his DJ services. 

Payal Desai: Oh my 

Christa Innis: God, 

Payal Desai: that's so 

Christa Innis: kki. That's so, this is why, and I've said this before, it's like when you hire friends, they're looking for like a little discount? Mm-hmm. Or they just not as, I don't know, professional. 

Payal Desai: I don't think like friends and business ever mix, No. No, they don't. That's a no for me. 

Christa Innis: You need extra like contracts in place or to really make sure it's someone that you want to work with, but most of the time it's like, yeah, no, 

Payal Desai: it just gets mucky.

It gets mucky, and then you're trying to go through cards to pay. Dj, 

Christa Innis: the number of stories that I've read about people hiring friends for photographers and vice versa. Mm-hmm. And then they ended up with no photos or they ended up with crappy photos 'cause it was someone just starting out. Like, no, we're not doing that.

Guys. 

Payal Desai: well, and with a friendship or even like with family, like a falling out could occur. And so why would you if it's a professional and it, don't have like a relation to that person. There's a contract and you abide by that. But a lot of times if you're working with a friend, like you may forego the contract 'cause it's like, oh, we don't have to make it all official.

Like you'll just do it for me. 

Christa Innis: Yeah. Wrong. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's always that kind of person that you have to worry about that says, we don't need a contract. It's fine. You're like, yes we do. I dunno. Something's telling. Yeah. Oh my gosh. so to pay the boyfriend for his DJ services as they had never paid him before, also always get money down first.

That kind of thing. 'cause 

Payal Desai: yeah. 

Christa Innis: If they never, yeah, who knows if they ever paid him. 

there was a lot of animosity between her family and ours the entire night. If my family was ever on the dance floor, which was most of the night, her family stayed away. What is the deal? Also, I feel like if something like that happened where they kicked out someone for announcing a pregnancy, I would already be like, this is weird.

Like, I don't know. Especially like it's his sister being kicked out of the wedding. 

Payal Desai: Yeah, when 

Christa Innis: you pick up your family and be like, why are you kicking my sister out for announcing a pregnancy? 

Payal Desai: do you think that there's like an obligation to, including like your husband's female?

Uh, family members in the wedding party. 'cause I don't think, there is no, like, if you don't have a closeness with them, like you should not feel obligated. 'cause I feel like when you do, this is the kind of stuff that happens. Whereas if you're just like, Hey, I'm marrying into your family, you're marrying and into my family.

Let relationships happen like organically and over time people become close or they don't, but like, just including them for optics is kind of a problem, I think. Yeah. 

Christa Innis: Oh, for sure. You always see like pressure from parents or something to have mm-hmm. Siblings all in the wedding together. and I've even talked to a bride groom once and the groom was like, yeah, my parents are threatening to not pay for anything and not come to the wedding if I don't have my brother as my best man.

I was like, well, do you want him as your best man? He said, Nope. listen, the 

Payal Desai: more and more I like have lived life and been in my marriage, like first of all, the wedding day now is very different than the marriage, right? the wedding day of the celebration. Butdon't know, for my own kids, for instance, like I don't know if I will be so disappointed if they like choose not to do something huge.

I want them to be happy in life. if that means that you elope, like I'm still celebrating you. don't know. Maybe I'll change my mind, like call me naive. I don't know. My boys are young, but. I think that there's this almost misconceived priority placed on, or it seems like Ill place, like what do we really care about?

Christa Innis: Yes. I think, yeah, it's all about perception or how people are looking at us. It's just, yes, and I feel like that's where it gets kind of like lost and misconstrued is like we get so caught up in what other people think about us during the wedding or like. Parents of, you know, and it's like, I still have 

Payal Desai: time.

Or abiding by like these traditions that you don't even really know the reasoning for. if you're a people pleaser, like it's over, it's over for you because you're not, even, the day  isn't even about you. 

Christa Innis: Oh, a 

Payal Desai: hundred 

Christa Innis: percent. And People have their own like expectations when it comes to like how long you should be together before you get engaged or married.

And my husband and I were together a few years before. Okay, we're going six years before we got engaged and all that. We lived together for a while and I know there's many people online, they're like, oh, there's that so long. But like I think back to like my twenties when we were dating, I would not have had.

A backbone when it came to planning. And like we just weren't ready like we wanted to be, like Ready? Yeah. Our careers a little bit more and we wanted to like, you know, all that stuff, but whatever. and so for me it was like, I think back, if I were like a young bride, I would've just been like.

Okay. Whatever you guys want. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I don't know. Just people pleaser and like When I got married I was like, this is kinda what we wanna do. Mm-hmm. My husband and I, we got on the same page. when you're in our twenties, everyone's your best friend.

Yes. We got married like early thirties, and so it was just for us, we were like, all right, we were able to like cut down a little bit. Mm-hmm. By this point, these are friends that were gonna be like with us for like our life. Yeah. There's benefits to both. I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Not knocking anyone that gets married young.

I it's just different for it is 

Payal Desai: as you grow, like you're a different person. Like I'm a different person than I was when I got married at 20. Six. So I was a people pleaser and I wanted to make sure that everyone, my parents, his parents, everyone was like, happy.

even if somebody showed up in the same color as me, I was like, that's fine. Okay. You wanna stand on, 

Christa Innis: stage with me too while I get married? 

Payal Desai: Do you? Do you just wanna do it with whatever you want? Yeah. 

Christa Innis: Do you wanna walk down the aisle like with me or like. You do you like, this is 

Payal Desai: really, I'm okay to share the day.

God. 

Christa Innis: Oh yeah. So funny. I know. I feel like everyone needs, like if you're listening and you're a people pleaser and you're a bride, you'd need a bridesmaid or maid of honor that's gonna really like. So you like your boundaries or your husband or partner hold you to your boundaries and like, speak on behalf of you if you have a heart.

Yeah. Speaking up. Because you'll be so much happier if you set your boundaries yeah. Stick with it. 

Payal Desai: Yeah. 

Christa Innis: Gosh. okay. As the night went on, my boyfriend played our family song and everyone was having a great time.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone shove my grandfather. Okay, what's going on here? After that, all hell broke. Loose fights erupted all over the hall, tables broke, 

Payal Desai: and there was blood everywhere. What? That's awful. Wait. That escalated so fast. I'm like, what happened? Like, so I feel like there is like a piece of this story missing where there was some like conflict or tension that is not being shared because there's no way that.

It went from like kicking somebody out of the wedding and then everyone's angry at each other. Two sides, of the family are not interacting, engaging. Dancing together, celebrating, and then all of a sudden it's like a bloodbath. What? Yes. No, I'm like 

Christa Innis: picturing it like, Romeo and Juliet right now, or like the two sides are like battling.

Payal Desai: and it started off very innocent. Like, hey, like they, chose the wedding party, we're all in it, we're excited, and then boom, like. 

Christa Innis: I don't know what the heck. This is insane. It says the bride's mom got into my face for no reason. Mind you, I was only 18 at the time. She went to shove me, but I was pulled away.

Why are people just shoving people here? what is happening? Someone threw my mom to the floor and broke my boyfriend's custom built speakers, like, oh, no. Someone threw your mom to the floor, pushed your grandfather, like this is the most violent story I've ever read. Yeah, 

Payal Desai: that's awful though. Like think about that couple, 

Christa Innis: they can never get their families together until they have like a full family therapy session or something.

Yeah, 

Payal Desai: that's terrible. And you imagine it probably causes a conflict between them two. Because one thing that I will say is like. When you get married to someone like you come from very different places, right? Like you're raised by different parents, and so there's always going to be At least a little bit of conflict, right?

But like you are more willing to forgive and understand your family's behaviors and they are as well. this is just human nature. And so if there is a big family conflict, like it's hard to maintain like what you have with your partner, but then also not be a pushover for your own family. 

delicate balance, that's 

Christa Innis: all. Oh, for sure. 'cause if he was like, oh, like Uncle Bob, you don't know his humor. He just, made a little joke, you He's like, oh, he's, just so crass, whatever, like, you know. Yeah. It's like, oh, but Aunt Mary's the nicest woman ever. Like, you don't know her stuff.

Right. You know? And like 

Payal Desai: you don't really know these things intimately about your spouse's family, so you're not as forgiving. I don't know. Oh my 

Christa Innis: God. That's crazy. Okay, wait, there's a little bit more. it says the sheriff's or state police arrived. It turned out, the bride's parents had told my cousin his new wife to leave, leave the reception before everything escalated.

So they had no idea what was going on. Why would they tell them to leave their reception? That's weird. They didn't stay married very long after that. She had been cheating on him the whole time. Oh wait, maybe that's part of 

Payal Desai: it. Maybe someone found out, maybe, maybe somebody knew and that would explain it a little bit.

But if I feel like there's definitely something, 

Christa Innis: yeah, and it's like, but if she had been cheating, why is her family acting like he did something wrong or his whole family? that is insane. Oh my gosh. All right. Well that's probably one of the craziest stories I've ever read. I'm always shocked and not shocked at the same time because I'm like, yeah.

Stories I get are so crazy. But that's a whole new level. yeah. that's one for the books. Okay. So this last one is reading, follower confessions. Okay. So you have to do with. weddings or events that people sent me. This person said, Asking people to be in a wedding should be done privately and not at a family dinner.

Payal Desai: I don't, Hmm. It's not that serious. You're not proposing Okay. You're just asking them to be in the wedding. I do love like the, fun reveals like girls will like put boxes together and like then have their friends over and they'll open them and it's sort of like a. I don't know. Cute moment.

Yeah. I like a, theme so that I always see those on socials and I'm like, that's cute. But I don't know if that would offend me where it happens. 

Christa Innis: Yeah. I don't think I would care. I mean, yeah, if you're like with a group of people and there's some people you're not gonna ask that are there, maybe That's right.

but yeah, if it's a family and you're like, everyone's here and I'm gonna ask my sister-in-law, like, why not? Yeah. This confession says, I hated wedding planning, so I told my mom the colors and vibe and let her have at it. Hey, more power to you. 

Payal Desai: Totally a personal choice. Like as long as you don't have regrets, honestly, as long as your partner's cool with it, like if you both are just like, do it and do it your way.

Not for me. I can't like hand off all of that for a day like my wedding, but. Okay. 

Christa Innis: I guess, yeah, that's like knowing yourself and being like, you know what I 

Payal Desai: do okay. But I do wonder if that's sort of like a precursor to how you will be about decisions for the rest of your life. Because I do think that like sometimes if you are somebody who involves your parents in every decision, then like all of a sudden like they're going to like.

They'll shop with you and like they're going to everything. They're like so, intimately involved in and some of those decisions, like make it with your spouse. Like you don't have to include your parents in everything. Yes. Yeah. Sort of like a pet peeve for me. Like I think that some people take it too far.

I totally agree. You gotta cut the tie a little bit at some point. Like there's a little too much dependency. 

Christa Innis: yeah, no, definitely. 'cause I know, people that have like. disagreements as couples, and then they'll call the mom. Yes. This is very 

Payal Desai: unhealthy. Like that's, 

Christa Innis: we need to figure this out together.

Or the therapist not bringing in because that's like, they're gonna obviously have their bias towards like their son or daughter and Right. That's gonna make things very 

Payal Desai: weird. Yeah. So you really shouldn't be privy to whatever, disagreement that they're having because you will, you will have bias.

Like, come on. Of course. like, I made jokes about how like my sisters could tell me like the worst thing that they've done, and I'd be like, that's okay. You had your reasons. Like, we have each other's back. Like, sorry. Yeah. So no, totally. 

Christa Innis: Yeah. Oh my gosh. all right. This last one says, I feel guilt and sadness talking about our very small wedding because we couldn't afford a big one.

Ooh. all right. Here's the, positive thing I will say about that is that you knew what you could afford. You didn't go into it going bankrupt. 'cause think of how many people go and credit debt. Mm-hmm. Because they're like, they want to show off this big wedding. But you can always do a big party later.

You could do a five year anniversary. 10 year anniversary. Yeah. Yeah. and just do something special or a family vacation And just remember like the moments you did have together, because I know it's so easy Yeah. To prepare yourself and like look online, but that's the marriage is what's the important thing.

Payal Desai: I don't know. I always go back to this, like, the wedding doesn't make the marriage. You could have the most enormous, beautiful wedding. And if that doesn't mean that the marriage is perfect. Mm-hmm. So yeah, I think that, I mean. 

Christa Innis: Kim Kardashian had like a multi, what is it?

Million Dollar Wedding, and was married for like a few months to whatever that guy's name was. 

Payal Desai: Chris, well who was it? Chris something? Humphreys? yeah, Humphreys and then even her like stuff with Kanye, like the engagement was really out of this world and the wedding was as well.

And 

Christa Innis: exactly. That's no of the wedding or 

Payal Desai: the 

Christa Innis: marriage. 

Payal Desai: Yeah, and I know the grass is greener on the other side kind of thing. Like it's easy for us to maybe say that when she's mourning the fact that she didn't have like a beautiful wedding, or I wouldn't say beautiful, but like ornate, huge, expensive. But again, like down the line, you can honor the celebration in a different way.

Christa Innis: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I think there's definitely, opportunity there. Alright, well awesome. Well thank you so much for coming. I loved our conversation and how deep we got. I feel like I could talk to you forever about all this stuff. That's why I feel like mm-hmm. Your content, like I said, I think I've been following you for years now, before I even was doing all this stuff.

So when I thought about people to have on, I was like, I gotta reach out because this was so fun. 

Payal Desai: Yeah. And I never really. Made the connection, I guess. not in this way, right? Like when you first asked me to be on, I was like, oh, I like why me? Or like, what are we gonna talk about? But then the more I thought about it, I was like, the content that I do actually I think about the boys' future and their relationships.

Not even just romantic, but relationships with everybody. Right? So it does connect. Yeah. 

Christa Innis: Absolutely. Yeah. It like weirdly all like, ' cause even when I started doing like wedding stuff and I was like, it's such like a narrow mm-hmm. Thing or niche thing. But it really just relates to so many different relationships and communication boundaries.

Like I. There's so much we can discuss on here. It's, it's crazy. Yeah. 

Payal Desai: like the issues too, or the challenges that people face are extremely cross-cultural. that's something that I've learned from my content as well, is that it resonates amongst many different cultures and even age ranges.

So everybody sort of has some kind of tie to it and then has a way to, weigh in and, like, comment. 

Christa Innis: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So for anyone listening, can you tell everyone where they can find your content and anything else interesting or exciting you're working on? 

Payal Desai: Yeah, absolutely. So Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube.

 the handle is pile for style and I'm working on some things that, will be offered off, socials. And so, some like courses that I'm gonna be putting together and like an audio course, things like that for anyone interested in raising their children without traditional gender norms. 

Christa Innis: I love that.

Well, awesome. It was so nice officially meeting you, and I'm so glad you came on. I had so much fun. And, we'll be in touch soon. Yeah, absolutely. All right, thanks.

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